The Macon-Bibb County Planning and Zoning Commission unanimously approved a rezoning request and a conditional-use permit to allow the Japan-based International Cherry Park Commission to build a $20 million peace park, complete with tornado decoys on a 278-acre site on Mecca Drive, just west of Jennifer Drive.

After the recent devastating tornadoes in south Georgia, P&Z officials let the Japanese consortium know that approval of their cherry tree park idea would meet with greater approval if it allowed for placement of mobile homes as tornado decoys. No one would actually live in the manufactured homes, they would merely be empty shells intended to draw tornadoes away from more heavily populated areas of Bibb County. The cherry trees would serve as an attractive blind to conceal the mobile homes from public view around the perimeter yet leave them visible to malicious tornadoes approaching from above. The Japanese cherry promoters agreed to the idea providing that the decoys be constructed of lightweight plastics or other materials that wouldn't damage the trees when the debris becomes airborne projectiles during a storm.

CAUTION Macon, still reeling from the denial of their injunction request in the Houston Road widening project, was quick to jump on this issue. "Once again, south Bibb County is getting the shaft," said Homer Bass, a spokesman for the group. "Not only are they sticking us with unwanted road changes, now they're placing tornado bait in our back yards---giving us up as the sacrificial lambs. We don't like it one bit---you can call it a 'peace park' but you're not going to get any peace from us," Bass said.

Legislation to put tougher penalties on crimes motivated by hate appears to be facing a tough battle in the Georgia House---in fact, some legislators hate the idea.

House members Monday rejected a move to prohibit amendments on the bill that would give judges the right to impose a hefty fine and an extra five-year prison term for some violent felonies.

The judge would have to believe beyond a reasonable doubt that the victim was targeted because of race, religion, sexual orientation or disability. Accordingly, those criminals who don't keep a detailed diary of their criminal motivations would be exempt from the legislation.

One proposed amendment would be to develop computer software capable of reading people's minds. Another amendment involves hiring only judges capable of mind-reading. Both of these amendments are likely to draw significant debate and funding for the mind-reading software development might be viewed as a budget-buster.

Already basking in a comfortable lead over rival Bill Bradley, Vice President Al Gore hopes to build on his success Wednesday with a campaign stop at the Douglass Theatre in downtown Macon.

Gore, who's running for the Democratic presidential nomination, was expected to arrive at the Douglass about 2 p.m. Wednesday. He had planned to spend two and a half hours fielding questions from an audience, but opted instead to go to south Georgia for a photo opportunity---Gore wants to be photographed walking about the rubble of the tornado-ravaged area and appearing sympathetic.

Gore's campaign is encouraging undecided voters to attend the forum anyway since the brainwashing crew will be on hand to convert undecided voters into Gor-obots," said Caroline Goebbels, press secretary for Gore's Georgia campaign.

"The format is a town-hall meeting with undecided voters," Goebbels said. "There'll be an extensive question-and- answer session with the undecided. The vice president will answer all questions that are tossed at him," she said, "Or, at least, they'll think he did." Using the latest psychological control techniques, each person in the theatre will hear the answer they want to hear and they'll think the vice-president was actually there doing the answering.

Circuit Judge C. Cloud Morgan ruled against a local radio station in a dispute over a particular advertisement. Federal Communications Commission officials first contacted AM940 WMAC in Macon about advertisements featuring radio host Kenny Burgamy and a local remodeling contractor. The advertisement simulates a discussion between Burgamy and a contractor and in that discussion they mention a hot tub being installed for CT, aka the Total Package.

The FCC asked the station to voluntarily discontinue the ads. US Broadcasting, the owner of WMAC, stated that the ads were within federal guidelines for content, and therefore would continue. The matter was referred to district court where Judge Morgan issued his ruling.

"I personally find the mental image of CT in a hot tub completely repugnant. I've conducted an informal poll of various disinterested parties and all found the idea equally repulsive. Accordingly, I'm issuing an injunction barring that advertisement in that it violates the Eighth Amendment to the US Constitution, which prohibits 'cruel and unusual punishments,'" Morgan said. "It's forbidden to inflict such punishments on convicted criminals but it's unconscionable to inflict it on innocent listeners."

Of the 14 projects in the first phase of the Bibb County schools' facilities improvement plan, half are now expected to cost at least $1 million more than their initial 1997 bond fund estimates.

The price tags for projects in the first phase of the building plan have increased by more than $18 million over the last three years. Project manager Beers, Integral, Harmon recently presented the figures at a school board meeting.

BIH and school officials attribute the increases to a number of variables, including having clerical staff educated in Bibb County schools. "When we sat down to do some ciphering, one of our clerks forgot to carry those last three zeros over. Naught plus naught is naught----that's a rule, but when it's three naughts, you can't just throw them away in your figuring," said Minnie Beers, the head ciphering clerk at BIH. "We're gonna do some more checking on our figures and hope that we find some errors in our favor which would make the cost overruns less."

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins

These parodies are frequently featured on the NewsTalk940 WMAC morning show with Kenny & Charles.